I Don't Want to Live This Life Without Reason

I think back to August. Bagley road exit. I was just three minutes away from my new life. All I wanted was the opportunity to start completely fresh. I don't know how I got to the place that I am at as I write this. I'm unhappy and I cannot even begin to explain my desire to be away from this place. I think back to September. Nothing was bad, but I could see where the potential damage was lying. As the first semester of my new college life progressed, I began to see road blocks. I realize now, that while this was happening I wouldn't allow myself to know that I wasn't truly happy here. I couldn't allow myself to think that I may have made the wrong decision. It's nights like these where I can't sleep because I am just so caught up in trying to figure out how I find myself in these kinds of situations. Who am I bringing down along the way? How far am I bringing myself down? Farther than I need to I believe. I just realize more everyday that I blame myself for so much. I just want to for one minute to feel like I am settled, relaxed and contempt with my surroundings. I felt like things were getting better when my new roommates for next year made the decision to sign the lease for an amazing place, only to find out that it had been leased less than 24 hours before we were going to make the commitment. I feel almost homeless at this point. I shouldn't let that frustration get to me but I have entirely too much. I need to start making better decisions for myself. Mentally and emotionally. (And physically). It's early enough to still make 2010 the best year that I can make it for myself. I neglect my own thoughts and feelings too often, that definitely needs to change. It's just taken me way too long to realize it. Alright, I have officially lost my mind and this is a load of nonsense. Goodnight huge world that feels so small and suffocating right now.

Vince

The More I Step Into the Sun; The More I Step Out of the Light

Every night I sit here and think of all the goals I have for myself, and how excited I am to begin accomplishing them. And then at the end of the day, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. And then I lay awake again trying to get myself ready to do something, and then I don’t. And then this turns into a seemingly endless cycle. I want everyone to understand me, and where I am coming from. That is, once I know where I am coming from. There are just people in the world, that cannot see the world the way that I do in my own mind. And why would they? Yes, it’s true that so many people don’t look at the world outside of themselves. So many of them do not even know that there are other people out there. Outside of your city, your state, your country, and this universe. And there I go thinking that I must be like that too. Perhaps in my head I think about the whole world but I really only think about it in retrospect. Is it really the whole world that I want to change? I have heard it all before that to change the world you have to start with yourself, but how do you start with yourself? I want to get rid of things; I want to be more simplistic. I want to see that happen and not just picture how it would be. Do I begin with technology? I have come to find it unnecessary and completely too excessive. It is a matter of constantly defining necessity. What does that word mean? To some everything they can get their hands on is a necessity. To others, nothing is a necessity. It means nothing, It’s worthless. On the opposite end it is everything, and the most valuable word in the world to know the definition of. To some it is tangible, to other’s it is in your head. Perhaps a necessity is right in front of you, or 100,000 miles away. And then there is TIME. It is everywhere. Inescapable. Without it we would all be lost, we would not know how to be places, leave places, begin or end our days. I think about the times in my life where I have been truly happy and in the moment. And these moments are when time is not a concept. In fact it does not and cannot exist at all. It is God’s time. This seems like nothing more than a fairytale though. Is it completely unheard of? I want a life that is like that. However, I am prevented by having that based on the place that I am and the TIME that I am in. There are so many people in the same world that I live in that have so much through the very little that they have. They see all of the things that we may try to see, but we can’t. We can be so blind. And so I will be talking about this now, but everything will go back to reality once I wake up in the morning, because that’s just how it’s supposed to be. And I have a very hard time accepting that …unless I change that. Now.

"Our lives are frittered away by detail... simplify, simplify."

“People like it when you tell them things, in suitable portions, in a modest, intimate tone, and they think they know you, but they do not. They know ABOUT you. For what they are let in on are facts. Not feelings, not what your opinion is about anything at all. Not how what has happened to you and how all the decisions you have made have turned you into who you are. What they do is they fill in with their own feelings and opinions and assumptions, and they compose a new life which has precious little to do with yours, and that lets you off the hook. No one can touch you unless you yourself want them to.”

The Snozberries taste like Snozberries!

March 21st. 2:00am. Time for my first blog. I'm sitting here with some of the people that are most important to me in my life. Everything around me is changing, but it is all extremely positive change. It is the change that I have been looking for, and the change that I have needed for so long. I have been having such deep thoughts for a few months now, and I have slowly been able to develop them into words and conversations. Transferring has been one of the best decisions I have made in a long time. I have been so much happier and I haven't even made the move yet. The fact that people have actually witnessed that is funny to me, but also really refreshing. I have also been able to find out how friendship works. Friendship is made to be simple. Simplicity is the theme of 2010, and I am definitely beginning to accomplish that theme. I will definitely elaborate more at a later time. But like I said, I'm with these awesome people :D

Vince